The Chevron Story

I work in an ICT company as a Business Developer, more like a glorified business beggar, a dirt scratching marketer. My boss has been trying to do business with Chevron even before i was employed and when i was being interviewed i was specifically asked if i could confidently walk into an organisation like Shell or Chevron and market our products to them, and i said why not? with a lot of confidence and conviction in my voice and face, and of  cause with the help of my beautiful friend spunky, I guess that was why i was employed, because if you take one look at my CV you can't help but burst into a torrent of laughter!!

My Target for a year in my new company is 900million Naira!! The first time i heard that sh*t i looked straight into my bosses eyes and told them point blank that i was not Jesus Christ, but i will try my best *yimu*. Anyhoo i met my mulatto friend from way back high school, i asked her if she knew anybody that works in Chevron and she told me she did! i was extremely happy because ever since i started working in this ICT firm my boss has been taunting and making jest of me and my interview arrogance, he would ask me every day if i had a contact in Chevron yet and i would blush and he would burst into laughter!! sh*t, i need to show this guy and laugh in his face just like he laughs in mine when ever i give him my NO reply, i thought to myself. I started plotting, scheming  and even day dreaming of how i would laugh in his face when i finally get that Chevron contact. Alas my mulatto friend has done it!! she gave me a guy's name and number, she told me the guy was one of their top bosses in Chevron, i was elated. Walahi if you hear the man's name sef you would know he is an oga, a very big oga. When i called the man, he sounded like a boss, i had butterflies in my belly, he told me he was on leave that i should call him back in two weeks. All this big men and their protocol sef, i thought to myself. After two weeks i called him back and he said, oh God so you are one of those marketers that don"t give up, and i said sir, man must chop oh!! please sir give me an appointment so we can see how our companies can do business. I told him all what we do in my company and i also told him i would come with my company's profile so he can know better and he said okay, come to my office tomorrow with your company profile and i will see what i can do for you and your company. All this time i stepped out of my office to make the call and after the call, I strolled into the main office with a smirk on my face and i announced to the whole office that i had an appointment with one of their top bosses in Chevron. Every body congratulated me my colleagues Nora and Yeside were genuinely happy for me but i was too high on my revenge to notice it. Yeside started dancing azonto and shaking her little bum. I bursted into my bosses office with a smug look on my face and announced in a very loud offensive voice that i had an appointment with a top boss in Chevron the next day and i almost stuck my tongue out at him in the process for extra effect, but i did not. My boss was very happy for me and he told one of my other bosses to prepare the new Toyota camry 2012 car, that i have been dreaming of driving ever since i started working there. That car is for top marketer not chickens like me. I was in heavenly places!! 

That night, i shaved my legs and under arm, i scrubbed my skin with apricot scrub and used my last potion of forgotten bleaching cream to make my chapped dry skin glow a bit. I slept and i dreamt that the contract was awarded to me!! aahh, heaven oh heaven. The next morning, i bolted out of bed dressed up carefully, wore the best looking suit in my wardrobe, made my face up carefully, not too much make up so i don't look like a witch, then i doused on my almost empty Christian Dior perfume that i have been saving for the day i would go out on a date with my dream lover. I used up the remaining perfume with no remorse, i looked like an angel sent from heaven. I got into my car and drove to work with loud music blaring from my speakers, it was my Joe CD that i listen to only when good things are about to happen to me, i got to the office smelling like i just came out of a perfume testing store, Nora complimented my sense of style and she even asked if she could go with me to Chevron and i shunned her. I got into the new Camry and sped off to Chevron, aahh, the feel of a brand new car!! When i got to Chevron i called the oga i was going to see and he told me to go to the reception that somebody would bring me to his office at the mention of his name. I sashayed into the reception, there were over 50billion people sitting and standing at the reception, black, white, blue, Chinese, Lebanese, laborers, suppliers........... just name it, they were there. I was not deterred, i elbowed my way to the front desk, when i got there, there were four uniformed people attending to visitors. A scrawny angry looking man with a permanent sneer on his face, a very pregnant uncomfortable looking woman whose left eye was twitching erratically, a guy that looked like Johnny Bravo and a calm looking normal guy. I looked straight into the eyes of the sane looking guy to catch his attention but for one reason or the other he won't look at me, it was the pregnant woman that was looking at me, so i kuku asked her in a very nice voice that i was there to see Mr so and so, and she looked at me from head to toe and tottally ignored me!! I was angry and trust me, you don't want to see me angry in public. I asked her once again please i am here to see your boss, she made a sound in her throat and still ignored me. That's it this MF asked for it, i screamed in my loud Mushin voice, looking at all the attendants one by one and with an authoritative voice i screamed are you all deaf?? is this how you treat your visitors here?? don't you have any manners?? i almost started a revolution there and then because almost every visitor there was angry!! Then the Johnny Bravo looking guy told the pregnant woman to take me to the man's office. I walked in to stand beside her and she pointed at a very tinny building in the middle of the car park to me, and she told me to get moving. As i cat walked away a white man winked at me and said under his breath, sassy!! I eyed angrily him, muttered f**king pig under my breath and walked on. As i got closer to the tinny building, it was looking more and more like the toilet to me and i could smell the repugnant smell of an extremely cheap disinfectant, CHEEESSSSSOOOXX!!! OLUWA OH!! what is going on here?? MOGBE!! At that point i saw a well dressed oga looking man, i walked up to him and switched on my British accent, and i told him; excuse me please i am here to see Mr...... i think the lady at the reception was being cheeky because she pointed at that building and told me that was his office. The man replied me with an American accent; what department does he work and what is his designation? and as i was about to answer the cool looking dude a head popped out of the toilet building and the head screamed my name, i almost ran away!! by the time i looked back at the guy i was talking to, he had disappeared!! Sh*t!! i stood there transfixed and i almost died of shame, OMG i came to see the toilet man, i said to myself!! I walked to his office covering my face with my company profile, i was angry. The man welcomed me to his toilet like office and he announced; you see all the cars here?? i am the one in charge of them, after saying this, he shined his teeth at me, i was disgusted. I said so your the head driver?? he answered proudly; YES, then i asked him with a very angry voice, so what the hell can you do for me and my company?? and he looked at me confused!! i explained what i wanted from Chevron to you did i not?? i continued, he nodded his head and i glared at him and he told me to calm down, i gave him the talk to the hand sign and stormed out of his office and hurried out of Chevron. I drove slowly back to work, pondering on what lie i will blow to them at work, luckily for me i have a natural don't come near me face and that face my mum calls the sh*tty face saved my behind because nobody could ask me anything and it died like that. PHEEWWW!!