LASTMA Story

Hmm it all happened this morning when I was reduced 2 driving an octavia!!
and I'm like is that a car or a wheel barrow?? to top it up the shocks of
the car is dead. This morning we had the business developer's meeting and
my boss was particularly very upset with me, my yoruba speaking loud voice
and red hair, and he reminded me of my 900million target. I kuku had
nowhere to go until Tina my colleague asked me to follow her to see one of
her own clients. Only to discover that all d company cars and drivers were
not available except for the two rejects, an old soldier who is one of d
drivers who tries at every given opportunity to treat us his ogas like
toddlers!!! and a wheel barrow called the octovia which is supposed to be
a car.  We hit the road and I was driving because, old soldier was not an
option!!  When we got to CMS, I lost my sense of direction, i always loose
my sense of direction when ever i am driving, hence the need of a human
navigator by my side. Tina my inefficient navigator made me enter the BRT
lane and BAM!!!! LASTMA, like 50million of them surfaced infront of me
with a barricade, CHIMO!!!!I was frantically looking for the central lock
I nor see the tin!!!SH*T!!! one of them entered the car and told me to
turn to my left and park by the other offenders, i was adamant, i had a
plan. I said to the man in the car that I could not turn. All of a sudden
I hit d bridge like I was going to 3rd mainland bridge, my colleague
started to scream and cry, then it hit me, bridge is closed!!! sh*t I'm
stuck then went down the bridge to ikoyi, the dude in the car started
shouting at me and he went, ehen, you want to run abi? he picked up his
phone and started calling the police. He started screaming into the phone
that the lady has kidnapped me don't let her get away, she has turned off
at ikoyi. sh*t 007 tinz!! i started driving really fast screeching and
all, adrenalin pumping, i felt like i was in a movie, i was secretly
loving it. All of a sudden the man leaned forward and he started
struggling with me while I was driving like a ninja, he was trying to
remove the car key, Tina started holding him back, we were loosing the
fight. at that point I spoted a lone mean looking soldier, he looked like
he hated the Nigerian police force and LASTMA, Ahaa!! i thought only this
man can do the job of beating the idiot in my car without asking any
questions. I quickly parked my car infront of the mean looking soldier, I
came down from the wheel barrow and i said to my self sweets its time to
show the world your acting skillz. At that point i spotted a scratch on my
arm that was bleeding, I started pointing at d blood with, first, a
british accent which turned into an american accent which started sounding
more and more like Indian or chinese accent, I was loosing it, i started
crying dramatically. Apparently the soldier had been watching us as we
approached and he saw the whole struggle and was ready to kill the LASTMA
man that was harassing two beautiful young ladies. I screamed and cried
that the man in the car wanted to kill me and the soldier looked at him
with contempt and was ready to pounce on the man. He grabbed him by the
collar and was rolling a blow, trust Nigerians na they all gathered round
us. The soldier guy yelled at the LASTMA guy and before he could answer
and defend himself from being beaten to a pulp by a soldier, lo and behold
a truck filled with over 10million police men arrived and they all jumped
down one by one like the rescue team in an American movie. Cheesox
mogbe!!! and I said to myself, this is it sweets your going to jail for
sure, my whole life flashed before me and i pictured myself in KIRIKIRI
locked up, covered with leprosy.


As the 10million police men alighted their truck, the man was rescued from
the arms of the soldier, and they started to explain to the soldier the
crime that i committed. The soldier glanced at me and i gave him my
charming/ desperate look not to allow them take me away, i was sweating
profusely and i had started crying afresh, real hot tears this time. I was
advised by the soldier guy and  unlookers to go with them to their
station. Seriously?? people c'mmon I need yall now, i felt like Jesus that
has been betrayed both by the crowd and my newly acquired savior.  At that
point i started thinking of a new way out, a way that will not back fire
like the previous one. I had no time, i had to think fast then I decided
to call toyins friend Naf who is a peace ambassador *yimu* !! i called him
and started crying and then he told me to calm down and he gave me the
number of the chief superintendent of lastma!!I called the guy, phone was
switched off, aah!! temi bami!!!chai I don die!! at that point i was
frantic, and then  it hit me, that the Nigerian police/ LASTMA was filled
with uneducated scared rats that can easily be  fooled, and I decided to
form fone call! hello sir yes naf the ambassador told me to call you yes
sir ok sir I'm coming to your office sir government house ok sir see you
soon bye. Then I asked them where we were going to and they said
government house and that the fine was 150k I said ok let's go my uncle is
waiting for me there. My heart was pounding!! At that point one of them
looked at me and told me to calm down and they parked the car before
government house and they told me that I kidnapped an officer and that my
sins are much and almost unforgivable, and I said ok let's go na!! then
they started laughing, one of them asked me how much I had and I said i
had one thousand naira, he said bring it, i gave it to him and
miraculously they alighted my car and went their way. Tina and I went for
the meeting and I'm not in jail Thank God!!! Pheeewww!!!!