The frog

Finally!! i screamed, Thank you my heavenly father...After 50 billion failed businesses and plenty failed attempts to get a job.... I needed a job badly, any job, in fact i was ready to become one of Goldie's PA. When i told her this, she was devastated, she told me she would never do that to me because she respected me a lot and at that point she looked at me with pity and said she would do something about my joblessness.......Now you see, Goldie was a very good friend of mine, I lived in her house for years......we knew everything about each other and trust me when i say everything, i mean every thing........I loved and had so much respect for her...... I sincerely haven't come to terms with her death so i'm not going to talk about her......i'm still in denial.....i am still in shock........RIP baby.

I actually got a call from Beat FM at ikoyi, thanks to my friend. I had an appointment for 10am. I woke up 4:30am, prayed, thanked God for the gift of life and started getting ready for my appointment. I wore one dead shirt i discovered in my wardrobe and my black bandage skirt which is extremely short but thank God for creativity....i pulled that skirt so low on my butt that it looked like a nice pencil skirt....What?? i have not worked in years, hence the lack of work clothes. Only for me to come out of the house to discover that my car looked like a piggery......Tammy my one year old cousin had used a pebble as her chalk and turned my car into her blackboard!! Arrrrgggg!! this child!! Anyhoo i dusted it a little and got in to go.......I had limited fuel in my car shit!!! so no AC for me today and the sun was shinning with a vengeance asking everybody in it "who is your daddy" and i for one, was totally admitting....Sunny boy you are the daddy this morning cause i was roasting in my AC-less car!! It was 7:30am and i was drenched with my own sweat....I put on my only christian CD and that "I need an Angel" song came up and i sang along with faith in my heart because sincerely i totally needed an Angel that day....Shit i was sweating.

Normally i drive very fast with loud music blaring...but on this day i was totally repentant, because hey, i need a job na, i can't be driving recklessly before God go look me vex for me....Yeh i'm that superstitious. But then i soon threw all caution out the window and started driving and hooting my horn like a mad woman and at the same time screaming and cursing at other drivers. When i got to Ozumba, in front of Civic center there was this very slow driver that really got on my nerves, i hooted and screamed at him to hurry before the amber light turns to red....."who the hell is this mofo" i screamed... at that point i heard a very loud noise "GBOOOA!!! and right infront of me my tyre was rolling away!!! Moku Mogbe Modaran!!! my car had fallen like a tired bulldog!! Jesus is lord, where the hell do i start from?? under this hot sun?? with no money in my wallet?? Ah!! i held back some tears that was threatening to bust loose, i had a mighty lump in my throat, i could not speak....LASTMA boys were approaching with one of them rolling my lost tyre along. They came close to me and i changed my stance into a defensive one, i was ready for any wahala they were bringing. When they got close enough, one of them asked me nicely if i had a mechanic and the niceness brought back the lump, but i did not cry. I called my mechanic who told me he was on his way there and i crossed to Adetokunbo Ademola to withdraw my last millions....very sad because that was all i had....then while i was waiting for the battalion i met at the ATM, my phone rang.....it was my home Gee Titi Bamgbala....Jesus is lord.....i just started crying and i recounted my encounter to him and as a sure boy, he told me to send my account details because he was at the bank....HALELU!!!!! I'm rich!!! I'm freaking EFF-ing rich!!! I strolled back to my fallen bulldog, the mechanic had already started working on my car, then i remembered....Shit!! i should totally call Beat Fm oh, it was already 5 minutes to 12......Gosh, i hurriedly dialed the guy's number and before it rang, dude picked and spoke with a very sullen voice, "shit" i thought. I told him what just happened to me and he said excuses, excuses and hung up.....Wow....i thought, just like that?? The mechanic told me he had to go and buy my ball joint and he did not come back till 4pm.......I was furious!! i sent him a lot of hate texts and threatened to kill him if he does not return soon. Well that was before he returned tho.

I got back to VGC 10pm extremely exhausted!! when i got home, there was no electricity....Great, just great!! I asked my aunt why the generator was not on and she told me our neighbors reported us to VGC maintenance, that our gen was too loud and disturbing them....i guess my question brought back my aunt's anger and she started cursing out loud at our neighbors all over again. Tammy my little cousin was running around the compound and her dog Shonna was busy barking and running after her. Now you see Shonna was (because she is dead now...RIP Shonna, i didn't like you much tho...) a white poodle/Bishon frise miniature, one of them fluffy cute dogs. There is nothing cute about that dog, i personally think she is a pig and a pest.....she was an over fed spoilt irritating dog that used to totally get on my nerves!! I strolled into my windowless room dejected and very tired....my body was aching badly, i undressed and had my bath. In the bathroom i thought- of my miserable life and wondered why things wont just come easy like electricity for example....why God?? why me?? I had sun burns on my face and the tin was just peppering me anyhow. When i got into my room i thought twice about using any ointment on my sun dehydrated skin, because of the anticipated searing heat that may happen later that night, so i decided to sleep naked......Right before i hit the bed.....UP NEPA i screamed...Yaaaaaayy!!! i busted some dance moves....I started with makosa, then i did some artilogue, then cripp walked a little, then i finished off with the electric slide and Micheal Jackson's hand on the crouch move......I started sweating, Oh what the hell my split unit was on full blast. I proceeded to anoint my burnt skin and that only made me sweat some more......by the time i finished creaming my self, NEPA struck yet again.....I sat on my bed sweating and regretting my moves and i remembered how miserable my life was. I packed my pillow, duvet and grabbed a mat from the corridor and proceeded with my beddings outside, to sleep. I actually thought Tammy and Shonna would have slept but they were still wide awake and Tammy was singing Justin Bieber's baby baby song all wrong, while Shonna was chasing something that i thought was her shadow. I laid my mat and slept with my naked sweaty body, Tammy joined me, she started singing into my ears, at that point i told her to go inside that if she doesn't monsters would come and catch her.....She ran inside and i told her to take her dog with her. And i slept off.......

I was getting married to the man of my dreams...he had grey eyes and luscious pink lips, he was looking into my eyes... smiling at me.....he whispered, you are my queen....he looks soooo beautiful, i thought to my self......then the priest said you may kiss your bride.....it was a very wet delicious kiss....AAhhh, i thought, Alas, something seems to be going right in my life......my life ain't so bad after all....at that point i woke up and felt some thing hugging my lips tightly....i grabbed the little slimy shit which turned out to be a disgusting frog that had goo all over it......i screamed like a dying Banshee and scrambled from my spot only to discover electricity was back on.....i ran into my room horrified....but then i forgot my beddings, i went back for it and checked if the frog i just kissed had turned into my dream lover.........