Halloween

let me tell you a story that happened to me in 2011 that almost repeated it's self again this year but I swerve that shit like a pesky lil fly .... Mo ti gban gidi gan ni..... if you Kent read Yoruba shame on you simply means I'm wiser now  ...... so here it goes..... That year I was living in Mtown with 5 of my friends who are all married now, so proud of you babies, anyhoo..... 2mo my bestie's elder sister was invited to one Halloween party in british council when she told Yetunde and I cos we were the only ones at home and she could also only invite 2 more people..... we were elated and felt privileged cos na we comot pass for this life but na we dey feel boredom pass for this life..... that period Yetunde had a job and I didn't hence my broke manage state.... we had to buy Halloween costumes and we had just a week to purchase it..... I had no money..... Yetunde's salary wasn't fantastic but I shan't gree wan kee us..... Yetunde called me from work to meet her at silverbird fortunately my home gee Tunsco and I were seeing a movie..... I went to meet Yetunde and one girl that was selling costumes..... the girl said 1 was 18k I looked at Yetunde and I told her in Yoruba.... Sikira jo nitori olohun mi o ni shigbain...(I have not even a coin).. now you see Yetunde is very spontaneous she's scares me sometimes.... she eyed me and said pick the one you want jo.... I looked at her like, the kain hunger wey go kill us with this money wey we wan spend nor go get part 2..... anyhoo I picked the 1933 wench outfit and Yetunde chose the sexy football referee...... we tried it on and life looked beautiful already......less go dia party ti shele, dem don die for that party..... my out fit was complete with a peacock feather head band..... Yetunde even had a whistle to go with hers.... when we got home 2mo had become all of a sudden creative with pins, needle and tread.... when Yetunde and I saw her we laughed.
We saw 2mo tacking stuff together.... I'm going as Mrs clause, she announced..... then she proceeded to tell us how she had gone to yaba market that morning to purchase yards of a fluffy white fibre to make her boots look like santa's..... she told us how she toiled to attach it to the boots.... by this time Yetunde and I were rolling and gasping for air on the floor. I rushed off to pee before I wet myself! At the end of the toil her outfit was finer than ours and she spent less.... she wore a beautiful red dress and she looked absolutely gorge. ..... the day of the party finally arrived..... we were ready to porry. I was saying a lot of bullshit due to excitement until 2mo told me to shut up. ..... we left in my car Ireti. now you see.... I'm your typical Nigerian girl that doesn't fix her car until it falls apart.... we got to the porry, there was a guest list....our names were written there. I in particular felt important at that moment.... when we got into the porry, plent Oyinbo people were there life was looking beautiful..... it seemed like fun was on the way until Tonye, 2mo's friend that invited us asked if we would like to have something to drink..... we nodded our heads in agreement like lizards.... then came the bomb shell.... she said..... you can get drinks at the bar, let me get the menu.... then she brought the menu and the drinks had price tags.. WATH???..... Yetunde and I looked at each other and started laughing... Yetunde and I ordered  Smirnoff ice.... seemed like the cheapest drink there and it was like 1500 each..... thank God say we hold vex money.... we nursed our little bottle, we thought we would have to sip from that bottle all through the night...... all of a sudden the boring techno music faded and stopped abruptly.....i rolled my eyes and said finally may be they will play better song now and the real part will begin..... then the Oyinbo's started singing after a minute or 2 they started saying goodbye to everybody.
And every one started leaving.... I looked at Yetunde..... she looked right back at me....then we looked at 2mo....she  looked very surprised and asked.... Aah!!! Is the party over? all three of us burst into a torrent of laughter.... this was 11:30 and we got to the party 10pm..... by the time we laughed into the car it was 12am..... we drove into the night laughing like jackals..... by the time we got to eko bridge, as we were climbing, Ireti slowed down and came to a grinding halt just as we climbed the bridge.... 2mo asked what was going on with a very little voice..... I was sweating .....bewildered, I flung my feathered head band into the night.....i threw all caution to the wind and started flagging down passing vehicles..... one guy screamed as he sped by..... ASHAWO see wetin you wear, them go rape una this night!!! Mogbe!!! From the corner of my eyes I saw two niggars approaching me and my car....they seemed like they crawled out of the ground!!!! Cheeeeessssoooxxx Aye oh!!! I started confessing all my sins!!! I told Jesus how much I loved him.... I looked into the car, 2mo had been crying and looked like melted butter. Yetunde was stone cold in the front sit.... by this time I had died, gone to heaven and was sent back by angels to face my death boldly I needed to shit, as in very hot shit.... they got closer ........ to be continued!

Continuation; Ireti the sexy bulldog

I only wanted bread and my car was gone...... I was wearing shorts and a tank top with no bra...... it started to drizzle..... my hunger and mirth from the previous day evaporated.... I had a big lump in my throat..... big girls don't cry.....I tried not to look crazy by searching the gutter and under the other parked cars.....but I was looking very stunned!! I slowly went back into the house, went to where I usually put my car key......abi I borrowed someone the car ni.....I thought to my self..... I slowly went back outside clutching my car key and also  looking at where I parked the car..... by this time everyone was looking at me.... my neighbour asked what the problem was.....we call that guy Engineer....He is a mechanic that likes to be called Engineer.....he's also my birthday mate!

I walked away slowly after telling him what happened..... he asked where I was going in the rain......by that time it occurred to me that I should go to the police station to make a report.....I told him I was going to the station to make a report......by that time Alhaja..... my neighbour that occupies the back flat joined him.... she started making drama......she started cursing and praying.....she was screaming, crying and jumping up and down.....now you see Alhaja has a very mighty butt that jiggles at every movement of her body......might I add that she makes the bestest Ileya Jollof and her ram meat is always on point and in abundance.......

I left them there without a word......I walked very fast in the rain......my nipples where frozen and they looked like mighty nails on my chest.... why didn't I wear a bra sef?.....I became very conscious of my nakedness.....I had gotten to the station.....I clutched my nailed chest and walked into the station......the smell that hit my nose was horrific! .... The station reeked of urine, sweat, virgin armpit, mosquito coil, plenty smelling men and  semen...... there were five of us that came to report stolen vehicle...... they found three of the cars already and they were asking for bribe from the victims....... all I had was one thousand to buy my bread...... the police officer wasn't wearing his uniform and he had flipflops on his feet..... he looked like he just wokeup too..... my two neighbours came into the station......Alhaja said I was her daughter......the police man said I had to pay five thousand for them to commence the search for my stolen vehicle.....I told them I had only one thousand..... Engineer paid the remaing four thousand.....I was assured and we left in Engineer's car.

I got to my office on monday in a cab......everyone asked where my car was.....I broke the news..... 95% of my colleagues were happy and some welcomed me to the Okada club....Chibuzor the company driver started laughing and thought it was wise of him to point out my reckless driving and loud music....he concluded with "it's good that they stole your car, you need to be humble" I answered him with asking if he was God's P.A?? He was still laughing and added that I will fall from an Okada ride because of the size of my butt......I told him to give my God 2weeks.....he laughed some more and said with that your salary?...I got home that night.....I cried to God naked.....I still don't know why I felt the need to be naked but I cried and prayed stark naked...I was very pained.....God does answer prayers.....well my prayers.....at the right time....

It was the longest 2weeks of my life! I saw hell on the streets of Lagos and I had plenty toasters, I even had a designated chauffeur who liked to place his smelling hand on my thigh while he drove......I would remove the hand like a good girl at first but as I see say the guy na goat, I would hit the hand very hard with any nearby object.....until I couldn't take it anymore and stopped entering his car.......

By this time I had sent five thousand naira five times to that police officer and what broke the camels back was when he called me to send another five thousand to him that they have found my car in ijebu that he wanted to go to Ijebu to look at the car.....I asked him if he knew the car and he got very angry and defensive.....the guy even called me one time to ask if I was home and I cooked, I told him I moved out of Lagos......anyhoo, my friend Abacha asked if I wanted to buy his wife's car.....she was beautiful.....I christened her Comfor (Comfort) and she has pioneer speakers.... as in very loud..... I got to my office in exactly 2weeks with my new car and the music was very loud.....unfortunately for Chibuzor he was standing outside when I arrived!! END

Ireti the sexy bull dog

Ireti my sexy bull dog!
It was the year 2013, 31st of May on a friday.....I was born in May and I turn 21 every 21st of May.......every year...... I had just moved into my studio apartment..... I made a vow to God to love and serve Him for the rest of my life...... my lover of 5 years dumped me on vals day..... my friend Goldie Harvey died on vals day....infact a lot of terrible things happened arround the world on that vals day.....even sef one Goldie in America.....a musician died on that day.

I had to rethink my life..... I realized anybody le ku at any Effing time...... I retraced my steps back to my foundation......my firm foundation Jesu!
On the 31st of May I got my salary and jobbed some Niggar into buying body magic for his fat wife, sisters and mother. I was also selling body magic .....i sold to him at a high price....mini millions......I was rich! I was still working for Johnny Bravo.....I used to call my boss Johnny Bravo..... I will get to that in another story...... I was rolling in millions..... I proceeded to shoprite..... I shopped my brains out.....I had cash...... I bought plenty alcohol too......life was beautiful......there is no romance in hating.....I had the weekend planned! This must be heaven I thought to myself...... tis good to serve the living God I thought...... I had a silly smile on my face...... who needs a man when I can have money I thought...... and I managed to slot in some f**k you Johnny Bravo and your meagre salary into my self exonerating speech!
I tipped the guy that helped to park Ireti the sexy bulldog..... she looked all shinny.... I had just painted her.....my sexy ass car......
I got home, arranged my bounty inside my antique 1960 samsung fridge.... its powder blue in colour..... I took some time to admire my expertise..... I too good I thought to myself..... I must really be important to God! I faced the mirror and sang in a mans voice *kent tosh this* then I made funny faces at myself...... I also told myself I was beautiful and batted my eyelids..... I noticed a koko on my fore head..... chai when will I be free from all the craw craw on my face? I asked God looking at the ceiling...... my phone beeped it was a texted from my mum telling me to have a great weekend and I should remember to thank God for my blessings and give my life to Christ and oh I should remember to go to church on sunday...... I made faces at my phone I also stuck out my tongue at my phone.....
On Saturday morning I nibbled on a chocolate bar and watched sermons on tv.....I enjoy watching sermons....very edifying.....I had oats for breakfast.....when I got tired of watching sermons I watched the music channel..... I danced by my self.... I became very sweaty...... I had my bath..... entered ireti drove very fast with loud music blaring..... all my surulere fans and lovers waved at me..... I love loud music..... i'm not a lady.... im a dragon! I got to Calabar kitchen bought afang and pounded yam for lunch....*sigh* this is the life I thought....I love cooking, but I cook only when I'm in love.... after lunch......I read my bible and proceeded to get drunk......I drank and danced on saturday night by myself.....I didn't pick anyone's call...... then like the rich fool in the bible verse I had just read I thought of eating full English breakfast for breakfast..... the only thing that was missing was bread.
Early sunday morning..... I woke up and screamed *them papa I don wake* into the air..... I had a dream tho..... I dreamt my gen and car got stollen..... I wokeup around 2am after the dream to check my gen.....it was still there.
I got dressed, went outside to look for oni bread.....I love agege bread.....it's simply the best! MOGBE! MOTO MI DA??? Cheeeeeeeesoooox WHERE IS MY CAR?
TO BE CONTINUED......

My neatly arranged work of art.

Guess who is back????

Guess who is back? Sweets is back! Tell a friend!
Hello to all my fans and lovers,  I'm back to give you jweezy and humorous stories bout me and all my friends. Plus I shall also proceed to write fictitious short stories too! Yaaaaaay *rolling my waist Tunsco style* ok so I'm excited..... it's been too long and I am very sorry. Bet I have changed now....I shall be consistent now. Thanks for understanding and God bless yall. Xoxoxoxoxo

Be very expectant and please watch this space!! I'm back I'm back! *shines teeth*