Summer "97"

It was summer 1997, i had just  written my junior WEAC, waiting for the result to come out, i had no fear in me because i studied very hard thanks to my brother. Yetunde, Folake and i had serious plans for that summer........ i can never forget that summer *sigh*. Bukola Ademola's birthday was happening that summer and we all had plans. We had been planning for the party from the beginning of the year, we would all sit around in school and gist about what to wear for the party. Folake, Yetunde and i enrolled in one summer school, although we used to call it lesson back in the day, not the tush "summer school" that they call it now. It was called Offshore or something sha i cant remember.......against my mothers wish...... she wanted me to stay with her in that dead town called Festac town and have that my extremely dry and judgmental lesson teacher called Uncle Wole to tutor me to the next level.......how very boring *yawns* . 

I cried, begged and used my famous emotion blackmail card (which never works) on my mum to allow me go to my aunt's house in Surulere where all the good life tinz were happening. I looked my mum in the eye with a very sorrowful look on my face and asked her: mummy, do you want me to be happy, she looked back at me with an eyebrow raised suspiciously and said of cause i want you to be happy, then i replied her that she would allow me live my life........at 14??? who dash you life?? i will slap the spit out of that child...........My mother gave me the ''are you stupid look'' and screamed at me: go and clean that pomo and grind that pepper i want to go and pray, ode buruku!!! then she mimicked my voice "then you should allow me live my life" she finished off with a very winshly laughter and clapped her hands in the process.......hey i don't sound like that jo...... i thought to my self....... I did all i had to do that day and worked my magic on my brother, i asked him if he wasn't going to Surulere, he looked at me suspiciously and asked me Kilode?? (meaning WHAT) like i was pestering him.....which i had been doing the whole day..... i looked at him and started laughing, we both started laughing. He started pushing me out of his room and at the same time was screaming mummy Yewande is disturbing me!! at that point i told him to stop screaming that mummy was praying and i stuck out my tongue at him and told him he was dead.....because my mum does not like to be disturbed when praying....... my brother started punching, shoving and pushing me out of his room which made the both of us laugh really hard......I started begging him and promising to massage his leg and scratch his back for him for hours if he would only hear me out. I told him Festac was boring that we should go to Surulere, he looked at me and told me to go na........I told him about my mother's plans for me that holiday and at that point i started scratching his back.....I told him mummy would never allow me to go to Surulere by myself, i cajoled him, i blackmailed him, i cried him a river...... anything to get out of Festac.

Yetunde and i entered bus to Folake's house in shitta it was our first day of summer school.....coming from a girls' only school, sitting in the same room with boys your age was like winning 50billion Dollars *sigh*.......it was heavenly. Yetunde had baby curls on her head, she had the Aniter Baker hair style, I had a beautiful synthetic short fringe Cleopatra style shinny wig, and Folake fixed her hair......we were feeling totally fly......We settled in nicely.

The frog

Finally!! i screamed, Thank you my heavenly father...After 50 billion failed businesses and plenty failed attempts to get a job.... I needed a job badly, any job, in fact i was ready to become one of Goldie's PA. When i told her this, she was devastated, she told me she would never do that to me because she respected me a lot and at that point she looked at me with pity and said she would do something about my joblessness.......Now you see, Goldie was a very good friend of mine, I lived in her house for years......we knew everything about each other and trust me when i say everything, i mean every thing........I loved and had so much respect for her...... I sincerely haven't come to terms with her death so i'm not going to talk about her......i'm still in denial.....i am still in shock........RIP baby.

How i met my bestie

It was the year 1993 i had just finished from primary school, and was getting ready to go to my dream high school..........hey!!! will u stop trying to calculate my age!!! If you like sef you can try to calculate, all i know is that i am going to be 21years old on 21st of May 2013. Anyhoo i was particularly excited because my cousin Amina Tijani Sanni was in Queens College, By the way she is now very married with plenty beautiful children(wiping my brow) and she is now a pastor/counselor in South Africa...... She had plans in motion to make my stay in QC heavenly. We were both very certain i was going to attend QC infact she had introduced me to the whole school and had made arrangements for a school mother for me because she was already in SS2 and was leaving school soon. Only for my mother to come back from were ever she went to with a big smile on her face, i was very suspicious!! one can never trust my mum and her forceful ways......she said to me Iyagba, we are going to your new high school on monday, i was very happy thinking it was QC, but i had my doubts. I knew my mum did not want me to attend any boarding school because she used to ring it into my ears, growing up, she would say; I only have two children and i want to see them everyday. She said to me, Dudu, guess what?? i looked at her excitedly and screamed WHAT?? with glee in my voice. Then she said, you are going to METHODIST GIRLS' HIGH SCHOOL YABA!!! I threw myself on the floor and wailed like a dying seal!!! She did not even look at me!! I screamed, kicked and threatened to run away, but my mum did not even act like anything was happening. Little did i know that there was more, she then dropped the BOMB!!! she said my black baby, we are going to the salon now oh, i eyed the back of her head alata style. I got dressed and followed her to the salon which turned out to be BE FINE barbing salon in surulere!!! I looked at my mum, looked at the name of the salon and thought to myself, may be there was a hidden iya oni diri(some one that makes corn rolls) inside the salon because my hair was very long and full growing up, in fact i had never cut my hair before, and i knew my mum loved my hair so much so i kinda had hope, it just couldn't be what i was thinking...... I was asked to sit down on the barbers chair, and they started covering my body with that chooku chooku wrapper-like thing they use in barbing salons!!! I looked at the barber and my mum with pleading eyes, the barber told me not to worry that i would love it!!! I just started wailing and kicking at the same time when i saw the clipper, i screamed at the guy not to touch my hair and pushed him away!! That was the point my mother came close to me and gave me a resounding ABARA(Slap) on my back!! and screamed at me to Gbemi(swallow it). I decided to cry inside my soul!!!!

My favorite dish

It was the new millennium, the anticipated year 2000 had come!! My father passed away in December 1999, it was a very sad thing, i had spent a year at home, i had written my second JAMB and waiting for the post master to bring my JAMB result. When the front door bell rang, i ran to the door to see if it was the post man i had been waiting for. Alas, it was the post master, he handed me my result, i tore the shit open like an hungry lion tearing at its prey, i tried to settle down a bit before i totally rip the whole result apart. I didn't quite get the figure, i looked at it some more, AAhh Mogbe!! Oluwa oh!! what have i done to deserve this na!!! i started crying. My mother rushed to my side to inquire of me what the problem was, i gave her the paper, after she glanced at it for a few seconds, she said Ehen?? and so what? is that why you are shouting? are you the first person in the world to fail JAMB? she requested. 107 that was my JAMB result, all my friends and mates had gotten admissions into various universities and some had traveled abroad to further their education and here i was still struggling with JAMB.  Now you see, i am not exactly dumb, but i am extremely lazy. I never read for that JAMB, in fact i don't read for any exam! Hey don't judge me at least i am being honest. 

Daisy

 Daisy when she was a pup

 Daisy and i

 She loves playing with socks

 She destroys shoes

 Daisy and her mum Angel

Bola and i 

When we moved to Festac town in 1996, i met a very cool chick in whom i was well pleased, her name is Bola Disu. Bola was my bestest friend, Bola is a Jehovah's witness, Bola is a very pretty girl with mighty eyes and kinky hair, her hair always looks like the letter W when ever she has no money to fix it properly. She is brilliant and she comes up with all the bright ideas, she is extremely generous and she totally makes me happy. She never criticized me and my stupidity, to her, i was cool and people used to say we look alike but we really don't, because she looks like Pocahontas and i do believe that i look more like princess Jasmine. If we do look alike i am the finer version sha. Bola's mum was the sole distributor of "properly made bread" in Festac, the so called properly made bread is usually filled with bromate and from what i hear bromate can kill. Half of the time the bakeries make breads that can last for a life time, force it down the throats of the re-sellers and the re-sellers would refuse to sell fresh bread to us; with the flimsy excuse that they have not finished selling the bread that was supplied last week. Bola's mother led the ban of Agege bread in Festac because with the presence of Agege bread their killer breads would never sell in Festac town.  Agege bread is the bread that is locally and freshly made everyday, they are made in dead looking unhygienic bakeries, with dirty disgusting bread pans that are never washed, an Agege bread may roll onto the sandy or muddy floor and all the makers and sellers will do is dust the bread with an ororo(groundnut oil) coated cut out foam from somebody's mattress.  They are sold by extremely ugly, grouchy Yoruba women with terrible BO, it has no bromate, no additives and no disgusting flavors its fresh, pure white sweet bread. It is usually juicy succulent and scintillating!! Aaah Agege bread!! yall should totally try eating it with hot Akara, JESU CHRISTI OKO IJO!! you can faint oh, Agege bread is da bomb. Call me disgusting all you want, disgusting is sooo in, its like going to a tush place to buy Amala!! it can never be sweet.  Anyhoo Bola's mum helped to subject us in Festac to eating disgusting flavored stale breads that have boldly written on the wrapper BROMATE FREE!! Don't believe every thing you read.

The Chevron Story

I work in an ICT company as a Business Developer, more like a glorified business beggar, a dirt scratching marketer. My boss has been trying to do business with Chevron even before i was employed and when i was being interviewed i was specifically asked if i could confidently walk into an organisation like Shell or Chevron and market our products to them, and i said why not? with a lot of confidence and conviction in my voice and face, and of  cause with the help of my beautiful friend spunky, I guess that was why i was employed, because if you take one look at my CV you can't help but burst into a torrent of laughter!!